Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
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I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Cardio Made Easy
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Meme Monday.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.