squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
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I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
me when I see my crush
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
can’t wait til they legalize outside
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.