I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
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Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
HOW DARE YOU
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Help Wanted
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired