Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
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Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*