My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
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Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store