AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
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CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.