*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
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{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room