Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
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Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
I can also cook 😂
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”