How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
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[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?