My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
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I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*