Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
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One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
can I use a minion as a tampon
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.