*eats only grass-fed donuts
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Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.