I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
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[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing