One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
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Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer