me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
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The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty