Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
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COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”