the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
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“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
The prophecy is fulfilled
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Put a ring on it
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them