Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
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My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.