[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
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[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
the three genders
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
My birth announcement for our third baby
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay