As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
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These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
The biggest mystery of our time
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
What my back needs
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.