vegan witches, happy halloween!
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If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
two people or more is called a problem
This hospital has everything
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.