When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
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[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.