People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
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Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef