Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
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[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
*aggressively waits in line*
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment