🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
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Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History