Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
You Might Also Like
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
When the stylist spins you back around
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire