My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
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[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
TODAY
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
sin harder.