Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
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[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake