[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
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Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
So creative 😂
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.