ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
You Might Also Like
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey