Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
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MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Finally!
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?