Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
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Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
No Google it does not
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”