Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
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if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Dear Lord..
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.