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NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Storm Tropical Storm
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!