*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
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Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.