dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
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When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
figuring out my emotional availability:
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Oh my God.