Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
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Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Thanks to a fan for this one.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol