I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
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[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?