Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
You Might Also Like
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
War & Peace
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
what kind of cook setting is this??
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.