GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
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Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.