when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
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Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
how to exercise your calf muscles
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
FRED: right
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here