“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
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[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
don’t be scared
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade