BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
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I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Moms. The original autocorrect.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.