I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
You Might Also Like
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
School be like
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
#CatsOnTwitter
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!