justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
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I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Finally!
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.