Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
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my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.