The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
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You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
*weighs self after shaving
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her