The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
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when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.