“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
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I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Beware of fowl play.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
There’s no “us” in nachos.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.