Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
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Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.